Dr. Spooky's Magic Elixir

Snake oil salesmen. You know them. They promise you the world if you’ll just part with your hard earned money. Modern day snake oil salesmen can be found on early morning television harking their wares. There is everything from fat burning pills to male enhancement remedies; all 100% guaranteed to work as advertised or your money back. Snake oil salesmen of the past were known for harking elixirs that were said to remedy all sorts of ailments. Got leprosy? Try Dr. Spooky’s Magic Elixir. Indigestion? Dr. Spooky’s Magic Elixir. Receding hairline? Dr. Spooky’s Magic Elixir. Insomnia? Dr. Spooky’s Magic Elixir. Flatulence? Dr. Spooky’s Magic Elixir. 

Unfortunately snake oil salesmen aren’t delegated to the past or late night infomercials. The penultimate snake oil salesman can be found in the White House.

Flatlining housing market? Try Dr. Spooky’s Magic Elixir! Bankrupt automobile company? Dr. Spooky’s Magic Elixir! Outstanding student loans? Dr. Spooky’s Magic Elixir! Unaffordable contraception? Dr. Spooky’s Magic Elixir! Dr. Spooky makes his pitch and promises the world, if only you’ll pony up the dollars. You say you don’t have the money? No, problem. Dr. Spooky will help you secure a line of credit with Chinese benefactors. He doesn’t care where the money originates, as long as he pockets it. 

America bought Dr. Spooky’s sales pitch hook, line, and sinker back in 2008. We drank our fill of Dr. Spooky’s Magic Elixir. It did nothing, so we downed another dose. Nothing. Yet another dose. Nothing. Still another dose. Nothing. Three and a half years into our regimen of Dr. Spooky’s Magic Elixir, and still nothing.

Now we turn on our televisions and who do we see? Dr. Spooky. He’s still harking his elixir. He claims that we just haven’t given it enough time. Our healing is occurring. Our restoration is sure. We just have to be patient. Dr. Spooky underestimated the extent of our ailments. He simply didn’t formulate the elixir in strong enough dosages. Trust him, he’s a doctor; would he steer you wrong? Hey you look a little skeptical. You know what’s great for skepticism? Dr. Spooky’s Magic Elixir! 

Now, seriously, haven’t you had just about enough of Dr. Spooky and his elixir? It doesn’t work. It doesn’t do anything but separate you from your hard earned money. It is time for America to put her collective foot up Dr. Spooky’s rectal cavity and send him down the road to hark his snake oil somewhere else. 

It’s go time.